It's Valentine's Day! Which means different things for different people. It means absolutely h*ck all for dogs because dogs love you at levels of 1000% every single day, even when we've done nothing at all to deserve it.
Whether you're of the camp that Valentine's Day is just another Hallmark money grab (down with capitalism!) or that it's perfectly acceptable to celebrate and proclaim your love for bae, one thing we can all agree on — it's nice to feel loved.
So in my capacity of both dog lover and unofficial match-maker, I took it upon myself to whip up a few words about some dogs I know who love everyone inordinate amounts and could use with some love themselves.
Here's what I think their Tinder profiles would look like if they had thumbs, could operate basic technology, and knew how to flirt without resorting to bum sniffing.
Tuco
Don’t be fooled by my 3 legs, ladies — I can perform just fine ;) Likes: hip hop, sarcasm, trampolines, people. Dislikes: vacuums, lemons, people who spell “your” like “ur”. Love tennis but have to be careful with my knees. Just moved to Regina from Vancouver (dang it's cold). Pretty bummed they don’t have a Whole Foods but at least they have a Wendy’s.
Ollie
Neutered. Not looking to pick up a litter, just looking for someone to go to Taco Bell with. Like to bring jackets to summertime BBQs, just in case. Writing the next great American novel but I haven’t made it past page one because I don’t have thumbs.
Started from the shelter now we here.
Koda
“If you can’t handle me at my floofiest, you can’t handle me at all.”
Super sensitive dude. Scorpio, so, I have a lot of feelings, but won't be shy about loving you. Markedly aware of the fact that I’m a large boi that consistently has to stoop to get into doorways. Let’s chat over a bowl of water about the time I jumped out of a window and survived. #youonlyliveonce
Murphee
They say that love is blind and in this case, it’s true (the joke being: I’m diabetic and blind).
Cute, short boi looking for love and also someone to binge Ru Paul with. Not here for games, just looking for someone to play fetch with. Bonus if you like to dismantle the patriarchy. Gender fluid. Must be LGBTQA pawsitive. Looking for somebody to see the world in all its shades of grey and blue. DNS (down to snuggle).
Keeba
Thick boi and don’t give a fuck about it. Done the furternity and chasing tails thing. Ready to settle down but still like going hard with the boys at the dog park. Not looking for a hookup, on here for the real thing. Always down for Karaoke. Power bottom. Let’s fetch this bread.
Bruce
Must be foodie. Must have a taste for the eccentric and not be afraid of trying new things, like blenders, cheese graters, light bulbs. There’s nothing I won’t put in my mouth. Don’t take life so seriously; if you can’t laugh at yourself, I probably will. Finally getting into Breaking Bad. Still can’t believe it’s not butter.
Must not mind spicy farts.
Scout
Nice bum, where ya from? ;) Graduating UFP (University of Floofy Puppers) in two months, degree in How to be a Good Boy. Must be confident, caring, and staying active. Loves nature, drives a Prius. Listens to Celine Dion un-ironically. Was a lumbersexual before it was cool. I’m just a sensitive dude who wants to cuddle.
Achin’ for that bacon
Piper
“Love like you’ve never been hurt, bark like there is nobody listening…”
Yes, like Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly, and no, I won't dance on bar tops. Totally can even, I just choose not to. If you enjoy a good walk, like the company of a sweet, down to earth girl who appreciates the finer things like peeing on flowers, eating grass, and then eating vomit, then I’m your girl.